Saturday, September 26, 2009
7:32 AM
grasshopper...
Everytime i am all alone on my off days, i will miss you so much. I miss your cute little innocent grasshopper face. i miss the days i hug u while going up the escalators.but i have learnt something. its not about how hard i try. it all depends on whether am i or am i not the right one. if i am not the right one, i will never be able to do the right things that touches your heart, no matter how i try. its not any of our faults. to really love you, i have to disappear from your life and not interfere at all.... the reason y i feel so empty now, is because... i was really happy when i was with you. its your birthday in a few days time. i hope u enjoy yourself and have a fresh good start of your adult life. my precious grasshopper. things should be exciting for you. u r in a good hotel and working in the exciting town area. guess its really exciting but busy for u, F1 is in town now. my grasshopper. i can't change the fact that i am unsuitable for you, but i know that i should leave u alone now. i wish u well, and pray that u r fine, everyday. i still love u, but i hope it will all disappear soon. i want to be a totally different person.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
11:46 PM
lost
do you know that i miss you lots? I still love you, my precious grasshopper.
when i saw you last week, it was that familiar face, very playful but no evil.
it was the face i used to hold on tightly to.
that precious face, that i will so badly miss by monday, and see on tuesday, once a week.
i missed you so much but i am no one to you now,
so i acted like i didn't care.
I did everything from the bottom of my heart,
with sincerity.
you do not understand me.
Nevermind, i will not be a leach and hang on to you.
whatever the reason may be, its not your fault that your feelings have eroded.
Nature's just taking its course.
I hope you will be well and blessed wherever you go.
I just have to walk on without you.
seems to me the road ahead is a burning hot desert.
i am so, totally, completely tired now.
but its ok that i just walk slowly, at least i am moving.. w/o you.
so i will just drag my feet till the time i can stop walking, stop thinking and stop living.
but thats gonna be a fucking 25 yrs from now?
Saturday, August 09, 2008
9:21 AM
i am back
Truly surprise this blog acct is still alive and kicking. This blog is a truly great confidente.
Have not been writing much, and guess i have pretty much lost some articulative skills with time.
Time passes so quickly. I am now an optometrist, embarking on my next phrase of life. Am i treading along a gold-laden journey? Or is this an illusionary path? End of the day, I sum it up by asking myself if i am good enough. I am blessed with benefactors. Kind mentor that casts light on the shadowy path of my career. I am not a scholar. I will get receive enything by emplacement. Hence I dun consider this a bright future. To 99% of S'poreans out there, i know my future's not bright, but so is yours. As long as u r not a scholar, we r on the same boat. having a kind benefactor cum mentor is my rare advantage over many others. I should be grateful. I got a, better than 50-50 type, of a fighting chance.
I love my Jasmine. Been 1mth and 6 days so far. I hope we r alright. Perhaps i am a pessimist by nature, but i do worry that something's not too smooth after all.. Am i really your choice? The special one in your heart? I learnt from my mistake, and realise i tend to self-destruct things i really treasure. So this time round, i am trying my best. Faith, trust... Deep in, i know i love ya. With time, i hope our hearts connect and intertwine. Intertwine, not leach. If i ever be a leach, please burn me off. I wish you find your footings, establish your career path. I got great faith in you dear. You are gifted, but your previous unpleasant endeavours in sec sch dog your confidence. I hope u enjoy success dear, to regain the confidence you deserve. I read pple well. I know i am right about your abilities. I look forward to the day, we take our respective industries by storm, and dance out to the moon, wine in hand by nightfall. I hunger to rule this trade, in a more business than clinical aspect. I fight outwards, not inwards. I will always benefit my benefactors, but to competitors, I will commit them to thy sovereignty, to thy supreme, vampiric dictatorship.Putting rivalry to flights with flames unashamed.
I am a man who walks along, and i'm walking a dark road. Unique thoughts stir within my brainwaves, unique beyond the articulative gift of thy tongue. I feel alone. But i am just unable to rope in the right guardian angel. Thus i will fight alone, but look forward to the day i share the fruits with my inner circle.
Monday, July 16, 2007
9:47 AM
What doesn't kill me MAKES ME STRONGER
Wa long long time since i blogged. Indeed memorable writing here again. Looking at my last post, those were my silly days last year, when i was, feeling so down, feeling like the world has turned its back on me, struggling alone, confiding to a computer in school after class, by blogging, before rushing off to work in the evening. Time flies.. That was a year ago.
But what doesn't kill me, makes me stronger. Hmm, this year, these few months have been pretty challenging too.. Guess Jun Jul Aug are just not my months.
One big challenge is that, i am feeling so unhealthy! Have not been going for my boxing training since apr, and have since put on so much weight man. Gone were my confidence i had 1 year ago in engaging in combat. Now looking at myself in the mirror, i should humble down.
Well my friend, hope you have been fine the past year. We both pursued our own ways since jun 19 '06, i have found a whole new direction. Hope your direction is as satisfying as mine have been. Mine did not start off well.. Mixed with the wrong crowd at one time, got into some big mess, big trouble, felt so torn apart, and as usual, i handle it alone. In fact you have seen that crowd, haven't you. Sorry about that. THey spoilt your christmas, didn't they? My career dreams will start soon, and i have it all planned out. Sure it will work. Good for me, hope you have been fine too, i still pray for your well-being daily.
k.. enough of my ramblings. Got some steam off my mind, and ready to sleep soon. Tmr will be packed with challenges too. Everyday is a long day.
I value this blog. A good outlet to distress. Forgot about this treasure, till someone mentioned it to me recently. Glad to have re-found this. However, i realised another blog is missing.. Y y? But well, i no longer care for it as much any more. Delete it if you wish to. What doesn't kill me, MAKES ME STRONGER!
Monday, July 31, 2006
1:37 AM
kill all!
Fucking cheebye mad-yo-yo..
I am in school now, in the com lab, and there is this mother fucking bunch of mads, kao peh non stop, making fucking lots of noise. Really keeping my temple, want to throw a fist into their fucking temple, letting them slip into the world made for them, the world of coma. Cheebye mad and fucking mina. Bunch of softies who cannot fight, no nuts about fighting but behave like some fucking big time. fuck you deep deep. And now he on his fucking radio, with horrendous voice, sounds like his sister or something being fucked. fucking coward turned it off after my stare melted his guts. ya, i think i got some pychotic probelms with anger management, i have outburst. but so what, fuck it!
This is a world of shitheads. how many times has it happened to you? u r in a train station, pushing your way thru cos you r late, and the whole crowd in front of you walk at such a pace, like as if they are mourning? like in some kind of a possession? And in a train, a bloody baby starts crying so loudly, and instead of shutting him up by pacification, or at worse smothering IT to death, their fucking parents tickle them somemore, some ignore them, and leave their little spawns of satan crying even louder in the cradle. Fucking cheebye.. Now i stare at them. I wonder when i will smack a fist at their faces. fucking gui kia.
I wished i am a dictator, with an army of undead, upon this ugly world. I will torture and kill, at thy whimp and fancy.
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
12:09 AM
I am back
Been a long time since i last blogged here... After seeing daniel's blog, i thought of updating this one as well, in addition to the private one i confide my soul in. This blog is designed by dal, and of course seeing this design reminds me of her. Y? because when we first got together, i intro the song nymphetamine to her, a cradle song... And that naughty girl went to look for more cradle songs on her own and stumbled upon queen of the throne, which scared her...
Yesterday was a great outlet to vent frustrations, in kickboxing... Got to change a lot of habits i picked up over the past years as a karate-ka.. Went home with a headache, could have been worse if my frendly opponent gave a full force, got caught by a kick to my right temple.
Kicking was alright, just that i have to follow thru the entire kick instead of kick and pull back like in karate. Jabbing needs lots of re-adjusting to. jabbing with body sideways instead of frontal. And of course, its time to get back my fitness. Got tired, put my hands low, and they got my head. But frankly speaking, i am proud of the strength of my turning kick, just that i should follow it thru... Glad to have the chance to train with quite a few great fighters, think i can bring my standards up.
Physical pain is a good way to let me feel good now.. my thumping heart's hurting.. Cos someone is still inside it, but that someone cast me out of her heart half a month ago. Dun know why, training intensively is a good relief, like a drug that takes all the shit away. And pain makes me feel good.. Pain momentarily from kicking the heavy bag, bone clash bone, and the more intense one, kena kick. Pain makes me feel less guilty that my inconsideration led to my wonderful gf's (now ex) misery, and the crumple of our relationship. When i feel pain, i think i deserve it.. Well, i am scum.
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
2:45 PM
I am bigotted, so what, fuck off, i am everything u will never be!
Not too long ago, i started on an optometry course in SP. Boy, i was so excited. Making hell lots of money. I am so happy. I simply love the lessons, and it gets more lovely as time goes by. I'm enjoying it.
Because our eyes are within ten metres from our stomach, lungs, hearts, balls, blah blah blah, i get to study every wonderful details in my wonderful body. I love it. I enjoy studying new terms that i have never seen before. Some examples are phagocytes, microvilli, pseudopods, squamous, blah blah. Wait, don't try telling me what they are. I know it. Its simple. They are different and varying species of aliens. I know it, i am sure. If i didn't remember wrongly, did i first see them in star wars? Yes, i think so. And just last year there was a great movie that featured these aliens remember? That wonderful movie, AVP. Ateries vs Podocytes. Remember? Yes it was a great movie, showing how Podocytes hunt down Ateries to kill.
K, and a little update of my daily vitamin M intake. This morning in the Mrt i just inhaled a large dose of these wonderful products. A self appointed pharmacist ( whose qualification is forgo-ing his hair wash for a couple of decades ), positioned his hair ball ( with lices bouncing about ) in front of my nose. Boy did he give me a huge prescription with that absolutely over powering odour, oops, sorry, aroma. I need help.
Help me lie. I am so holy, i pray (prey, hahaha) regularly, at regular intervals of once per year, during chinese new year. I think i symbolise happiness. So therefore, i am totally incapable of sinning. I simply cannot lie. So unholy ones out there, please sin on my behalf. Recently, a fren of mine, a work permit holder, wants me to help her open a starhub line. She cannot do it herself cos she is a work permit holder. We r friends and i dun know how to say no. But i never do such favours for people. I am always skeptical whenever bills and money are involved. i am poor. cos it never pays to be good. And sadly, i just cannot help being so good. PLEASE HELP ME CONJURE UP AN EXCUSE TO TELL HER WHY I CANNOT START A LINE FOR HER. Oh ya, by the way, she knows i am 21, and do not have any existing starhub line. So these excuses do not work.
Cannot blame me. I am too tired to monitor such things like whether the bills are paid and going after reminding pple to pay. i got too much on my mind. And, i no longer trust people. Recently i am sad that the only people i dare trust are my parents brother and some close relatives. I know i got good frens ard me too, eg fabian and melvin. They are my next level of trust. I am phobic about misplacing my trust now. But skeptics out there who probably think i am nuts, balls to you! Y should i trust you? have u always been truthful? no no no. there are times where u snigger behind my back, where u do things that u know kills me, but i just did not realise it. Now i am glancing daggers, scrutinising everyone carefully before i let you in into my circle of trust. Circle of Trust. These are the words i learnt from the movie 'MEET THE FOCKERS'. Still remember watching this movie with Dal somewhere in January.
Satanists are the wisest people in the world. Reverend Anton Lavey, founder of the first church of satan, once said: "You cannot love everyone; it is ridiculous to think you can. If you love everyone and everything you lose your natural powers of selection and wind up being a pretty poor judge of character and quality. If anything is used too freely it loses its true meaning. Therefore, the Satanist believes you should love strongly and completely those who deserve your love, but never turn the other cheek to your enemy!"
It sums it all up. Throw your trust freely, and you will reap what you sow. Be prepared for rude shocks that you never before thought possible. Learn to hate. Only hypocrites love and love and love and love, and bullshit. They are so full of shit, god damn it. Learn to hate correctly. This protects you, and the people who genuinely care for you. And for goodness sake, hate genuinely. Dun claim that u know how to hate just so that it makes u happy and your cork stands. Hatred is your best protection. Health messages say that condoms are your next best protection, ever wonder why, ever wonder why something that sells so well in the world is only the next best? haha. cos hatred is then the best. It protects u from bad people, from disappointment, from utter disappointment and confusion, leaves you only with goodness. Ok. laugh at me, that condom part is a lame joke.
K, fiends and felatives, remember to help me think of my excuse to lie. Please reply asap, on my tagboard.
